from the fantastic patterns of dreams to the surrealistic behaving of reality

written in Dinglish (that's Germanic English)

Nürnberg, Mittelfranken, 2005-05-21 - 2:21 a.m.

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why do we diaryland?

These days I've been doing a little of diarlandhopping - that's just watching the newest entries - you choose by names, that sound interesting, peep in here a little, peep in there a bit.

Is there something that interests me? - Is this person interesting enough to keep her/him in memory to look more often in this diary - the multitude makes it difficult - it's like in tv - the more programs you got, the less you're interested in a single one - always switch from sender to sender - thinking there might be something better. - It's the same with kids, who have too much toys - they loose interest in most of them, try this & that & use their toys very careless - if they break them - who cares - there's a lot of others -

.. but starving people cling greedy on every single precious grain they get ..

millions of diaries - it's hard to find something - it's the strategy of big fish swarms in the ocean, to swim together in big swarms, - so they have high chances to survive the threatening act of a predatory fish.

all diarylanders want to show off - not to any person, but to special persons, they imagine to exist there in wide void of internet anonimity - some show their secret thoughts, some the reflection of daily life, some just want to prance, some to show how wise, how reflectible, how intelligible they are - in most cases probably a mixture of all of these - I think we diarists & maybe also some of the bloggers are in need to tell to the unknown webnet community, what we can't tell in dayly life to anyone we are together in real life - that's the valve to let off the steam our unsolutioned souls need to survive.

I think bloggers are more communicative than the pure diary writer. - they like the groupish feeling of always being reflected in a group of similar people, a comunity that supports them, each other.

While reading or peeping in some of the other diarylander's I noticed some very different attitudes.

there were a lot of youth's who just use it to find themselves, to reflect & get reflected in their inner circle of similar people, who also diary-write.

there are the telling people, often married women with kids, pets, friends, husbands, job etc. just to gossip, just to show the family album to the world - well also to digest the little or bigger or horrendious troubles of daily life - just a mothers little helper..

there are the single individualists, wolves, cats, rats, angels, bitches, fairies, the sexy, the unwanted, the winners, the looser, but all real individualists, who have their own to tell, who tell who they really are, who sometimes are real great, sometimes just want to show off, - see me! - detect me! - find out, how I am really! - Will you recognize me? - Is your soul close to mine? - Do you reflect me? - Are we sister or brother in mind? - Or are you just one of those dorks, (fuckers), who knows nothing of my mind & so shall totally banished off my kingdom of life experience, attitude, brain & mind..

Sure I have not mentioned all reasons, why openly diaries are written, but all got in common - it's a valve, a mirror, a reflection, our trustful hidde place..

Since I started my diary about 2 years ago - sometimes leaving it for months alone - I always returned - Am I an adict meanwhile? -

The problem is, you want to say secret things to your diary, that involves your daily life, involving also people, friends etc. you're close to - but the problem is: you can't say a secret on an open place - I noticed some people lock their diary, to prevent this. -
Well then the people who read it are diminuished to a very small lot -
I know a 'famous' person who locked her diary to the crowds but open for the inner circle of insiders - that works. - But I saw an entry of another woman, who locked her diary, because her clerk had read it!! - She locked it, but noticed, that soon no-one was reading her anymore - so recently unlocked it againg, but deleted all older 'archive' entries -

That's the reason why I rarely don't talk about my daily life or experiences with friends, aqquaintances etc. - might they google in & see what I wrote - see Alison's today or yesterday's entry in - so many in google entered word combinations lead to her site -

in older times girls (seldom boys) wrote their diary in a book, they hid in a secret shelter under the bed & or in some very secret treasure shelter, where they wrote in everything, how they've been mistreated, misunderstood, supressed - about their hopes & fears, about their loves, their big loves & their disappointments -

these books were totally secret & it was an worst case disaster, if an untrustful person (mother p.e.) found it & read it - every secret diary reader should be cursed by eternal damnation..

Maybe the first kind or cause of diary writing is, when a 3-year old little kid talk late in night to her/his teddy-bear & tells him, how injust mom was today. Only Teddy listens & he knows to keep a secret well & he'll never tells anyone - and relieved the kid falls to sleep, arm in arm with his trustful companion 'teddy'..

But in diaryland we write to the open wide world our longings & fears, to the internet space, which we think, is our secret order of pure trustful diarylanders, hoping that only the right people read us & not the wrong kind of people, we just escaped off..

Learning, they could see us, we write much more distinguished & avoid to mention certain persons & circumstances & places & things like that..

but on the other hand, if you're sure, they can't see or hear or read you here - why not relieve your soul?

In other news: I also investigated yesterday a diary, where a girl wrote in her last 3 entries, that she had nothing to say today, but was thinking about to say something meaningful, witty etc. & of being afraid to be watched by others, what they would think about her entry -
like a 'Lampenfieber' (stage fright) before you go on stage - this just shows us, how different the expectations of a diarylander can be -

We all like to open our hearts & trust people who will understand us, reflect us or leave us without aggression or attack - but we all deeply mistrust people, who misuse & abuse this weakness of mind opening - so in this diarylandig outsourcing we have to keep balance between an open-heart & a defensing mode, conscious about gain & loss each side could bring us - no we diarylanders are totally emotional & trust in the phenomenon of 'teddy trust'

Hmm - & why do I diaryland? - I won't tell you - just find out! - Be my valve in reflecting!

so good night dear people - here it's about 2'o'clock in the morning..

mit freundlichen Grüßen

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