from the fantastic patterns of dreams to the surrealistic behaving of reality

written in Dinglish (that's Germanic English)

Nürnberg, Mittelfranken, 2005-05-24 - 4:57 a.m.

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the smile from within

I hate it, when someone is taking a foto of me & sais: "Smile!" - I just can't! I can't smile when someone asks/orders me to smile! - When last year I went to a fotographer's studio to have some pictures for my new passport made - this woman, who made the foto's, asked me also to smile. - There was no smile on my face I was trying to figure out, how I had to change my face, the winkles of my mouth, to make it look like smile - as in cartoons to be seen, smiling means lifting the ends of your lips up. So I did - the result was a strange grimace, a frozen grin, totally unnatural & not in the least looking like me, or how in my minds eye I was supposed to look like. Better looking earnest, but true, than falsely grinning!

A lot of people are able to just turn on their smile, like they would put a switch on - ok some people can also weep on command - but I'm too true, to be such an actor.

Of course I can laugh, grin etc.- but if I smile it has to come from within & there has to be a true feeling behind it. - That's something like an erection - you can't command it - it just happens if the situation is exciting enough to arise these senses.

Smile can only be invoked in me, if I have high sympathie for something, someone, e.g. a sweet memory that makes me smile, - the reaction to a person, very sympatethic to me can enchant me to a smile.

Recently I got contact to a french girl, called Marie-Antoinette - After some sentences, nothing important, just to get aqquainted - she began to smile & I in reflection did smile too - as we were talking along, this sympathetic smile became stronger & stronger in both of us, evoked by the feeling the other gave, - just like enlighted to & fro - on & on.. - This was a smiling from deep inside, no-one could have commanded me for. & why was the fotographer by then not there to snapshot that smile?

Here in Germany I meet seldom people, who make me smile - most people are so always earnest, some are funny, laughing etc. - but this sympathy smiling I see very seldom here around (maybe I live in the wrong country)

- 2 years ago there was a computer shop, I often frequented - There was a vendor girl - I think the most friendly vendor I ever met - she had in most cases this joyious, heartly smile, where you couldn't resist, but react the same way. She made it my favourite Computer shop (well now it's closed).

I think if people would share more happy smiles, they would all be much happier.

So: There is no smile to be found inside me - except someone from the outside awakes it.

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