from the fantastic patterns of dreams to the surrealistic behaving of reality

written in Dinglish (that's Germanic English)

Nürnberg, Mittelfranken, 2008-03-23 - 5:27 a.m.

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Where did I sleep as child?

I just came home from my good friend Larine - we dined, talked & drank some whine together, later on she was lying in bed, while I gave her a fine massage (like so often before) for a while - I won't mention that I'm a splendid masseur - usually I like to give the massage to get slowly all over her body starting from feet to the neck, to the forehead & backwards, - it's mainly the backside, but sometimes she has special wishes, like yesterday when she liked it only on her calfes with real hard pressure for a long time. - maybe only seeming to me a long time, because my fingers began to hurt after some time. -

This evening it was after some foot massage the belly - which was was quite comfortable for me - all soft & of course you shouldn't really press on that part of a body - all relaxed & comfortable - we watched at the same time a film on tv & drank some more of that rose whine & I felt that my meanwhile single hand grew tired of massaging - so finally my hand rested somewhere on her body, on her belly, on her shoulder & later on at her arm, while we watched tv, talked later on, drank on etc. until I left at about 4 in the morning, after we agreed that it would be wiser to go now to sleep.

now at home, I remembered my hand in a reassuring conection resting just somewhere on Larines body (not even in intimate parts) - it came in my mind that my mother once had told me that when I was a little child & she went to bed, I always even half-asleep - moved & laid my hand on her & so slept on, reassured, that she's there.

This memory made me think - where did I sleep at night as child - was it my parents bed for a while when I was a very small child? -

Hmm - of course I remember that my younger & my older brother slept in single beds in our all same small attick bedroom - hm - but I don't remember, that I ever I had a single bed in that time -

I remember, that when we kids went to bed - so much earlier than our parents, we played together a lot of late night kid's fantasy games, in that big broad parents double bed - we played, that we were some kind of bears, where I played some times to be the mama bear, - & later on I liked to be a racoon - my very special role (I always liked to be special) - or we lied in our beds telling each other stories, were we three were monkey (some kind of shempanzee) & had a lot of different worlds to rule & explore & of course could never die - we had all own planets, where we ruled, but of course often explored other worlds (planets) - we had also some special abilities in those stories, but my older brother & me decided, to let not my younger brother to have that much abilities than we had - sometimes we changed in this storyline to being poodles for my younger brother & me, but my older brother was in that case a tiger.

Everybody of us had to tell stories according to our invented storyline, but I also remember, that my brothers prefered me to tell the stories

but back to the theme - I really can't remember, that my parents came to bed, while we where still playing, story-telling etc. - we must have been always been deep asleep when they came & when I woke up, they were already gone. -

We lived in that small flat since I was about 8 years old - so did I sleep till that in my parents bed? - I remember that once my mother told me that my father slept (often or always) on the sofa in the living room. - so me was the fatal prince who slept in my parents bed, with for some hours my mother beside me, having driven my father out of the common matrimony bed? -

Well my mother told me, that even half asleep (& of course totally unaware, because I just can't remember it), did always or in most cases lay my hand somwhere on her body & slept then comfortable & relaxed on.

Well my mother long long years later on, while I was alread about 35, told me, that she never liked that sex thing (of course she didn't use the word sex - she described it somehow) & so she had enough of that ... thing after my younger brother was born - she said, that she never ever had liked it (what a tedious plight - she also told me once, that they had never been naked in front of the partner, even dressing or undressing only hidden - you can imagine what kind of plightful, lust-forbidden, children-creating sex they ever had) - this last, my younger brother was called 'Willfried', which means 'want' 'peace' - yes she wanted peace of that dirty sex-thing & I really feel for my poor father, having a wife, & never ever having sex with her since I was 1 year old? - Yes I understand, why he later on slept on that sofa - but in fact I can't quite remember whether they slept all the time in single rooms. - did I lie sometimes between them or on some side - I have a lot of sharp detailed memories of my childhood since I was about 4, but I can't remember anything about my sleeping in my parents bed for about 8 years on -

In our new big house later on, where we kids had single rooms & my parents again slept together in their new parental sleeping room, probably my mother at least accepted my father in the same broad bed again, but I doubt that they ever had sex since that time on..

well my father didn't had a lover nor did go to prostitutes - he was too straight a man for that - but I would'nt had judged or condemned if ever he had done so.

Who wants a wife, that will totally refuse any intimacy & sex-life, after about 4 or 5 years of marriage?

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