there's is heavy christmas over me - this year I didn't like it coming - it's all so tedious, searching presents, getting invited - I much prefer to give gifts for birthdays or for special reasons to single persons & just because I love a person, but this groupish presents giving around is some kind of disgusting.
The main reason why I really sensed Christmas as a threat this year, was that my mother insisted to visit them already on the evening of Dec. the 24th - which I avoid since long years - & then stay there over night.
(Here in Germany the gifts for Christmas are given already on the evening of 24th December, not like in the USA in the next morning)
My parents live 16 km away & it's easy to get home from there till midnight - so why should I sleep there? - I prefer to return to my own kingdom
- & I like to be together with them from time to time for some hours - but really not more than some hours - that's quite enough for being nice & friendly & sympathetic with each other. Longer time would get tedious. I know that by long experience. - My mother is 85 now - but some things never change. They just can't stop trying to control & rule me like I'm a little child - the longer I'm with them the worse it gets. Okay I could easily stop them, but they are so old & fragile already, that I don't want to hurt them - & react like I used to when I was younger - & that makes me weak & defenseless to their attacks.
I was glad when in my early youth I could leave my rigid parent home & me & my 2 brothers had to fight our way free from a very stern parental government of forbiddings & districtions.
I can forgive, but do not forget & still avoid a contact too close to my overcaring parents who still think they know what's the best for me with suffocating tentacles of parently love that give me nothing but the deepest instinct, to cut these tentacles with a machete.
Tomorrow on the second christmas day I will visit them for some nice hours of trying to understand each other, that means avoiding those (many) themes in which we are totally contrary to each other - have coffe & supper together, play some domino or card game in the evening - & that's the way I'd like it to stay.
I love my parents - as long as they don't try to be too close to me..
Yes I know this is real Freudian stuff, but we all got these early imprints stamped on our fragile childish souls lasting for an eternity or at least for all our lifes (more or less)