from the fantastic patterns of dreams to the surrealistic behaving of reality

written in Dinglish (that's Germanic English)

Nürnberg, Mittelfranken, 2005-08-15 - 5:07 a.m.

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boy kills boy or losing the sense or reality

A long time ago I was sittig with some friends in a greek restaurant. One of our themes in our conversation were 'dreams'. We were talking about strange or wonderful dreams or regular repeating schemes of dreams we had had.

I was telling them about a dream (or some dreams) where I had I had killed someone. My friends were slightly shocked. They NEVER dream about killing someone. They looked at my, like I was a highly neurotic, dangerious person.

Of course I very seldom dream about killing somebody & I don't kill for fun in my dreams. But if ever it happens, than it's an necessary act of defending my life to people, animals or demons who try to kill me. & if ever I get the chance to extinguish my persuaders before they succeed in killing me, I make the best of it - I mean if gangsters with guns pursue you, & you flee & they are coming closer & you just have a rifle at hand - why not shoot them before they reach you? - Maybe some of the more naive & harmless kind of people just try to escape, but if I'm narrowed down to a corner I just turn around & attack. - The Right of Self Defending is completely aware in my conscience or sub-conscience in my dreams.

That was not always like that - I remember in my early childhood I had dreams & nightmares were I only tried to flee from threatening pursuers - one of those dreams - typical to childhood - that you just stick to the ground while trying to run away & just can't get away, - probably
because you're so over ruled by your parents & other adults, that you always know: 'you never can get away from their clutch.

But as I write this down - I just remember that as child I had also dreams when I was defending myself, defending myself even with a sword.

This dream was a repeating dream I sometimes had when I was about 4 or 5 (I guess) - it had a certain fatal amount of endlesness & futility
involved - it was always: there was a dragon (a huge big one, but only slowly moving) pursueing & attacking me - he was neither flying nor could he breath fire - he was just trying to swallow me with his big mouth - not tearing or biting, just swallowing - sometimes I succeeded to chop his head off & for a moment he was stunned - the bad thing was, that he had on his neck or breast a little platform with a little man sitting there, who had a open larder (or case), with some new heads for the dragon & each time I chopped with my sword the dragon's head off, this servile little man took a new head out of his case & fixed on the headless dragon's shoulders, who by then could continue chasing me.

So it was a never ceasing fight, where my only chance was to lose..

But if I didn't wake up, before the dragon got me - yes - then the dragon got me & swallowed me in one piece down his stomach, where naturally, like Jonas in the whale I still lived on. The inside of the dragon was like the inside of a bus - there weren't seats, just two long benches on both sides of the dragons stomach hall - these benches were full of people (all those the dragon had already swallowed), who clinged to the benches to not fall apart, because while inside, the dragon moved with high speed like a train, but this hall was open on the end & we inside feared to fall outside & so get lost - you tried to get a better place on one of the benches. Better places were those more to the front of the dragon & you were struggling to get on of these better seats, because the more you were sitting to the back of the hall, the higher was the danger to get lost by falling through the large hole on the dragon's rear..

Oooh - I think this was one of the most symbolic dreams of life & it could also describe my life - think about it! - First the fear to get swallowed by the big dragon with so many different heads & new lifes (the evil in ever new attitudes) - but then inside afraid to fall out again (if you ever got swallowed by the system by the false & cruel system you once fought, then first you try to reach the first ranges in that system to live comfortable, but in the lower ranges (more to the rear) you get afraid of falling out again, fearing loss of the security this shelter inside the monster of evil power gives you - you have already totally forgotten, how it is to live outside that dragon - a better place on one of the benches seems to be the only goal desireable to reach for - I believe that's how all our bad human despicing systems work & continue succesfull to work, be it in government systems or in big company concerns, evil systems have always a big crest of obidient subduent followers, who follow against their conscience by fear of losing their existence & by greed to get a better status in life..

yes I know it's bad style - this entry is becoming to get an entry all in paranthesises - I start to tell one thing, include the next story, interrupted by another intruding input - but where was I?

sitting in a Greek restaurant talking about dreams & they were shocked by my 'killer dreams' -

but dear readers: value the aspect of my killer mentality by this one, probably the one dream I told them:

I was walking on the main street in a town - 2 men were following me, apparently chasing me, apparently trying to rob me & maybe kill me - they came closer, but a moment before they could catch me, I turned around & hit them on their heads with my mandolin, I just carried with me - these assassins broke down with bleading heads, apparently unconscious - there was a pub nearby - I entered the pub & asked the innkeeper for a telephone, because I wanted to call the ambulance for those heavy injured gangsters I just had knocked down - so since they weren't anymore any danger to me, I even in my dream cared for them - but then in the telephone booth I tried to call the ambulance, & read the number in the telefone book there, but while trying to dial this number it always changed before my eyes - I couldn't it right - I got aware that there was something totally wrong - I got aware by that, that I was only dreaming this scene - & this is crazy, but I really had this dream once - I went out to the people in the bar & told them, that we didn't have to call the ambulance anymore, because this is only a dream, no real injured persons out there.

hmm - what else should I have done - even if you get aware in your dream that you dream you're still imprisoned in that dream - there's no button for 'wake up at once' involved in most dreams - well if I would be a dream regisseur I would involve this button.

Strange are also those dreams I had sometimes in my life, when you dreamt, that you woke up, but you still dreamt on, persuaded that you're now awake - maybe I'm still involved to a dream, having awoken from a dream's dream's dream, but not yet quite to the last shell of consciousness, that is really awake. Are you sure, that you don't dream this?

To the dream inside a dream I remember when even as child I once dreamt, that I told a man I dreamt: "I dream you" . I can't quite remember whether this man got this message - maybe he woke just up from another dream or he dreamt me to. What about people dreaming each other - who's the real one?

One of these very seldom dreams, where I got aware, that I was dreaming, involved a situation, where I real had prick of conscience (Gewissensbisse) about my acting - I was on the highest point of a small town with narrow streets & I wanted to push a carriage to roll down the steep route down the street to the valley below - the street was very crowded, but I just had become aware, that this is only a dream - like a computer game - so not real people involved - but I had still doubts - killing all these innocious people? - but I pushed that carriage - just for the fun of it, but still in slight doubt: "What - if it wasn't a dream? - you'll never know!"

My sense for reality was about 10 years ago very high in my dreams - but cannot remember, having dreamt this kind of awareness in the recent years - maybe my reality senses got dumber & number & my dream senses sharpened..

another paranthesis closed or maybe two of them (I didn't count anymore)

hmm & the only reason to write this entry was this little dream (all of the above was only prologue) - so let's get down to it:

dreaming, that you killed a little boy about the age of 12 may seems very strange - but in this dream I was also a boy about the same age & this other one was trying in different situations to trap me & to kill me, but alway from behind, from a distance, not face to face -
I can't remember a lot of the details but quite clearly about the showdown - I was on the flight from him in a car with a girl sitting besides me - he was shooting from a far place at our car - I tried to figure out, where from these shots came, because I became aware, that flight couldn't help me anymore - he was all present & could find me anywhere I tried to hide - so my only chance was to get him, to re-attack my attacker. I reached a mountain with some old buildings on foot of it & knew the shots came from there - with high speed I drove there, but had to stop just in front of the window from he was shooting at us - we ducked down & I wanted to expose myself to the open, to lure him to also come out of his secure invulnerable place inside that building - I opened the front door of our car (yes it had a door in front of it) - making me very vulnerable to him - so he jumped out of his shelter & while I was halfway out that car, he tried to smash me with the heave car door, he smashed back at me - but I was prepared to that & had put a stick in the angles of the car door, preventing it from closing again & smashing me -
this was my chance to get close to him, my only chance to overwhelm him - I quickly jumped out & got him. The moment I got hold of him he couldn't hurt or attack me anymore. It was the same as grabbing a deadly viper - all I wanted to do in this moment, was to destroy him - I took him by his legs & smashed him to the rocky ground - & all I felt in that dream, was reluctance - I saw him lying there & had a feeling that all the source of evil that was trying to destroy me before, was gone - I saw a kind of retrospective film, where I saw my mother & me in older times & like a shadow always him around, trying to do mischief to me, to even take my place, by denunciation & evil tricks, like a bad twin brother - hmm maybe the bad side of me? - Anyway in this dream I really was very glad to having got rid of him -

Later - awake I was pondering: wasn't that a scene like Kain & Abel - & who of them was I in this dream? - maybe Abel killing Kain, because Kain tried to kill Abel - maybe Abel meanwhile learnt some self defensive - Hmm - why not - we all like it in a film or book if the rightious one wins in the end..

Last paranthesis closed.

Yes this was a high dream attack to you - I hope you survived it - if not - you'll never wake up out of this dream again - never ever again! - pinch your arm, tweak your leg - even the pain is dream illusion.

Maybe I lost my sense for reality again - even in my dreams.

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