from the fantastic patterns of dreams to the surrealistic behaving of reality

written in Dinglish (that's Germanic English)

Nürnberg, Mittelfranken, 2006-02-05 - 4:25 a.m.

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they're rubbing on wrong places

This evening I visited a woman in Fürth, the close-by (10 km - the first train of Germany 'The Adler' once drove this route) neighour town of Nuremberg.

On my way back while sitting in the subway there came a turkish man in & sat in front of me. I mean he looked so typical turkish with his big black mustache, clothing & all.

Sometimes I'm a bit touchy being so close to totally unknown people & avoiding to stare directly to each other. This close distance is my personal intime sphere - that I don't want other persons, that aren't close to me should break into.

Usually I read books in trams & undergrounds - so this makes me totally unaware of the presence of other people around me.

But soon after this man (age about 40 or 50) sat in front of me I got disturbed, that he directly looked in my eyes. - I thought: "Does he know me frome some occasion?" - But I couldn't recognize him - so never mind.

A little bit later, the underground lost speed very rapidly (braked) & this man did slide forwards on his seat & his knee touched mine & he put his hand on my knee & slowly moved back.

I got a little more disturbed, because all this touching seemed a bit too long for me & why did he move so much forwards, just by this slight braking of speed?

Hmm - I moved back on my seat & avoided his stare - there is so much interesting to detect on the sides & ceiling of an underground train..

On the next station a young girl about short before 18 came in & sat besides me. She had a strong stench of cheap perfume around her, but of course you forgive a pretty young girl her perfume, because she looked so cute & innocent. & I got relieved that she sat besides me, helping me avoiding this guy in front of me coming too close.

But my hope was in vain. - About 2 stations later I felt his shoe, I mean his foot touching my foot from the site. - Well this could be accidently. But a while later I felt that he rubbed it on my foot. I felt like stung by a bee (or hornet) - just with the thought "I have to get out of here!" - He didn't even care about the girl sitting besides me - help an olderly turkish gay man being horny at me? - I decided to leave next station & of course stood up before we arrived this station (at the Hauptbahnhof = "main station"), eagerly for the door to open & to get out.

But while I left I saw him directly behind me. - Was he about to persue me? - I quickly ran to the elevetar even got somehow relieved when I saw some police up there controlling some people. Maybe I should stay near them if really this man was going to follow me.

But a glance backwards told me, that he wasn't following me anymore - well he just tried it.

In my youth I got sometimes molested like that & worse - but not anymore since more than 20 years. - Maybe it's because in the last time I got my hair a bit longer than usual (in my youth I wore for long time my hair all long like John Lennon etc. & of course in that time got more molested by all kind of people - be it police or other kind of people - as soon as you don't look regular - some kind of people try to attack you - like birds do to the albino bird)

As to this foot rubbing - I once (about 10 years ago) sat in the tram - there came in a little punk girls sitting in front of me - she stretched her legs & rubbed her feet against mine - -hmm - yes that was nice - I somehow reflected to her little game - but a second before the tram started her or one of her punk friends (apparently heavily drunk) came in, sat besides her & leaned heavy on her shoulder which made her furious & they struggled - & of course our little nice erotic footgame was lost.

Nothing against foot rubbing erotic, but only with females & nothing against gays - but they should play their gay games only with other gays & especially not with me.

I like it if men are gay. I'd like to be 50 percent of mankind to be gay. - Because while these gay men get involved with each other by then so much more woman would be free for me. - I'd like to be the only one 'not gay' man in the world & all beautiful women of the world would be mine. - But on the other hand, there are also gay women & that decreases the number of 'free, man searching' women.

But to being sexual molested by men in my youth:

I remember - when I hitchhiked at the age of 17 from here, Germany, Nuremberg to London via Belgia & France - you know the ferry from Calais to Dover - I also got some strange aquaintances of this kind.

One driver in Belgium, that took me to Bruxelles, the main town of Belgia, drove after a while on a side street so very slow - he drove & he stopped & drove & stopped - so hesitatingly like he didn't know his way.

soon enough I recognized why - he was somehow fumbling on his trousers & then had his semi-erected cock out & rubbed on it, which I watched with very mixed emotions - my sexual interest was (& is) only in girls - of course I have seen naked men before - in sport etc. - & of course I had also detected sexuality a time before & had found out at least about the fine art of masturbation. - But well hell - I definetly not would like to share my sexuality with another man.

So on his next stop, while he was still rubbing his little guy I grabbed my backpack & jumped out of the car.

I mean he was harmless, because he was not aggressive or tried to do something to me. Maybe he expected me to be gay too & rub his thing & he would rub mine or other things. - But I was so glad to get rid of him so easily.

But next day things got worse. -I hitchhiked to France - the towns Meme - Lille very close to each other on the northern border of France.

Meme is an ugly industrial town as much as I recognized it when I entered it about midnight - walking through this town on deserted streets looking for a youth hostel - so I asked one of the rare passengers for .. - yes my french in that time was so poor that I knew only about 5 or 6 words (& we all know for sure, that french people don't know any other language than french at all), that were 'iglaise', 'oui', 'no', 'dormir', 'manger' (hmm - maybe it was only 5 words) - so I asked this passenger for 'dormir' & also said 'youth hostel' hoping that he understood what I wanted -

He seemed to understand me & signed me to follow him - about 10 minutes later we reached a small house - more a barack - which was apparently his home - inside it looked all very poor & cheap, but I didn't care.
I was deadly tired & only wanted to sleep.

He led me in his little bed chamber, but there was only one bed.

I didn't like the idea to sleep with him in one bed - but OK - even if it's narrow you probably could get some sleep in even an inconvenient way to lie.

While taking my clothes of - of course I still wore my underwear - & sitting on the bed this french guy (he was about 25 or 30 with black curly hair) tried to touch me & I got totally shocked - I shook him off & tried to explain to him that I only like sex with women - not with men -

He became demanding & I got deeply scared - I tried to get up, take my things & get away, but he didn't let me go anymore - he halfly tore my undershirt & made a fist in front of my face, which I knew meant, he would beat me up if I would resist.

This struggle lasted about 15 minutes & at last he forced me to strip my underwear & lay in his dirty bed. - I gave in while my only other chance was to become a victim of his violence, but decided to not let him go too far. - Anyway I didn't know what homosexual men do with each other.

He grabbed me from behind & tried to ass-fuck me - but I moved & moved from his penis weapon away & used all my muscles to close my arse really tight - so he couldn't come in - but anyway he somehow got so aroused that he got his orgasm & his sperm covered my ass -

I tried to wipe it away with the linnen of his bed & later on put some linnen between him & me because I couldn't stand the touch of his body anymore.

I must have fallen to sleep for some hours & then very early in the morning awoke & tried to get away. While trying to get undetected out his bed's sheets I saw his bed linnen in the early daylight & it had some dark brown stains on it - oorgh - how disgusting & I had slept on such a shitty place - oorgh - I stealthily climbed over his body, dressed & wanted to grab my rucksack, when he awoke & grabbed my arm with one hand. - He wanted to abuse me again. - But he was still drowsy with sleep & so I somehow got rid of his grab & left the room.

I crossed the gangway & reached the living room where another olderly man sat - he offered me a cup of coffee & I felt safer, because there was another person around.

But while he was pouring out the coffee in a new cup I saw that he had his erected penis protruding out of his trousers.

I ran away as quick as I could.

Later on my way on the road I felt so dirty - I went on the road sideways to a creek to wash me very sorrowly & still felt dirty.

I felt dirty & ashamed - it's a strange thing - I really got raped, but I felt somehow guilty afterwards - in all my life I only told this to 2 very close women - I felt ashamed to tell this to men (male friends) so I exactly know why women or victims of child abuse feel if the feel ashamed or guilty because gotten involved in gotten raped. - I didn't go to police in France in that time. What should I have told them with my 5 french words? - All I felt was, that I had done a mistake by trusting a strange guy & be more careful next time

I also exactly know why so often victims of sexual abuse feel guilty to tell. - I gave in while confronted with hard violence. Of course this was the wiser solution in that situation. But if you give in, you give in - you don't enjoy it & you don't like it & are glad that it's over after a while, but you gave in - you didn't resist to the last - which of course would have been much worse if the raper would hurt you very bad or kill you.

I was strong enough to not have scars forever from this strange adventure, but it needed time till now that I feel strong enough to tell what happened there openly. The raper should be ashamed, not the victim.

But to continue my experience of this kind:

When I came back from London, again in Bruxelles, there was a man who was taking hitchhikers en masse from the highway - just to take them home & try to find someone who gets in his bed - he made the mistake to take 4 hitchhikers for the same night with him, but me & 2 of the others who were splendid musicians spent all night in a late night bar where they played piano & guitar while I collected the money, but when we came home early in the morning we saw the 4th guy lying in his bed - hoom..

Other attacks from gay men? - Yes there were:

Also long time ago in bar a man just grabbing my ass from behind - I didn't like it & shook him easily off, & I understand women who don't like to be grabbed by unknown men on their asses.

A wild attack once happened again on the main station - a quite public place - there was a black GI (american soldier) - who followed me while I was waiting for my tram - he had trouser open & was probably under drugs or alcohol & tried to threaten me with words like: "I didn't have a pussy for 2 years & I want you to go with me to the toilet rooms" - He tried to grab me at my arms & pull me - but I got rid of him & ran straightly into the main street with a lot of traffic & saw a police car there coming which I waved to stop - They stopped & I told them about my threatener & walked home. 10 minutes later while I was still on my walk home this police car reached me & they told that they did not get him. - Well I did not care wether they got him or not, I just care that I get rid of all these molesting fuckers!

Homesexual, bisexual or heterosexual - I accept it all & tolerate it all - but no kind of sexuality should molest, force or rape it's object of greed!

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